Brain Drain; It's personal

Long time readers of this blog would know that this is an issue that is very close to my heart. I have lost count of the number of arguments I had with my folks over it. (These two entries are the more memorable ones.) In recent months, I have started filtering out (what my cousin describes as) such *noise* from home.

"We are all grownups and have the rights to make our own decisions. You know what you like and want to do, and you do include your family in your plans, except it's not want they want. That's good enough. You can't please everyone. Your primary responsibility is yourself.

Even if i am labeled as unfilial in their opinion, I don't care as long as i think i am right in my own opinion. I think once you get the green card and show them that you are serious about settling here, they will have to accept the fact, and respect your decision."

This bit of a comment from one of Chiang Nee's readers sums it up beautifully:

All too often, people attribute reasons for emigration to general poverty (economic, individual financial, health care, etc).
I am a Malaysian doctor, and have lived in the UK for over 13 years now. As the only and eldest son of Malaysian Chinese parents (one of 3 siblings), I am expected to return to Malaysia for various reasons. My parents aren't poor. I have just told them that I do not intend to return to Malaysia, and would like to live in London instead.
However, they are unable to comprehend or accept my decision, particularly as they lead prosperous lives in Malaysia.
Your article is particularly apt, as it illustrates that in the current day and age, there are many other reasons for emigration, beyond economic strife.
Even PM Lee Hsien Long's eldest son (and we know the importance of this person's role in the families of our culture), is contemplating not returning to Singapore.
I think people forget, that as general quality of life improve, one seeks other forms of fulfillment. That is just part of natural human development.

.. In the current 'shrinking' world that we live in, where travel and communication is almost universally accessible and available, I certainly hope that people around us will have a more open-minded perception of emigration. That it is not simply attributed to economic opportunities.

Ivy dreams

I am toying with the idea of sending my sis to attend (any)one of the ivy league universities.

The reasons are manifold, although I think it has a lot to do with one of those suppressed ambitions of mine (I hope I am not using her as a proxy) - like how in the end I was forced to turn down JHU (my 1st choice for undergrad) for a lack of funds. Sometimes I still wonder how my education will be like, and how different my present path will (or will not) be. How do you place a monetary value on a college education? Is it on the end product (elite grad schools, fancy i-banks in Wall Street/mgt consultancies) or the process of intellectual engagement and growth?

Ah, I know what some detractors will say: "But there are many other good schools what! And much cheaper too!" I don't deny that. And this might even be contrary to what I said previously in one of my entries.

So I will reply, "A Corolla or a Civic provides good value for money and are an excellent set of wheels on their own right, but they are not Porsche nor BMW nor Mercedes."

(I think it was from karpace that I first heard of this automotive comparison.)

Of course for the idea to work out, is to assume

1. I take up one of those obscenely decently paid jobs (and lousy hours),
2. I will continue to have no familial/gf/spousal commitments and
3. that my sis gets an admission offer.

As I was musing with loiseaurebelle (LR),

a. my sis' stats aren't competitive with the hordes applying out of Bishan and Bukit Timah (sucks to be a Singapore applicant yeah) and
b. poly students ....how many have gone to study in the ivy league for their undergraduate education?

The only place where she might have a long shot is Columbia's GS. But for that one her ECAs and life experiences must stand out. So what about my folks, you ask.

Well, I do not care about what they think, but I know my dad is not willing to let her come to the US after seeing how reluctant/unwilling I am in returning home. My mum thinks the goal is set too high. Then my sis bought into the bullshit that she is not good enough to aim for the ivy league. The Singapore system is such that if you aren't streamed into the top schools early on, the odds start to stack against you. The teachers, parents and peers all can affect you negatively, or positively. I was lucky to have positive vibes from all 3, mutually reinforcing one another.

Another, but not insignificant reason for the ivy league is just that - a big ego booster to my sis. That she can aim for the stars if she tries. Then LR commented on the difficulty of getting out when one is stuck in the cycle of low expectations. The Singapore society especially is quick to condemn.

America has them too, in the form of WASP strongholds or Asian community neighborhoods. Those WASP prep schools are notorious ("wasps with their stupid waspy ideas"), and are probably worse than Singapore's equivalents; so are overachieving Asian families where one's folks are like....dad with PhD from MIT, mum with PhD/MD/JD from Harvard.

LR was quick to retort: "hahaha what about you? You also went to top unis. I will pity your hypothetical (future) kids."

Me: "Your offspring will have a high bar set for them too. No matter what we can say how we would like our kids to grow up *normal*, there will always be comparisons and expectations placed onto them."

Just don't crush them. Advice I will have to take and keep in mind constantly.

Stinger against Blackhawks

Rant.

I need one, no, several of them against blackhawks.

In summary - Now that I am quite far into Grad School, my folks are going to the extent of checking up on my research and telling/asking me to fit that into a*star/nus/ntu hiring. Amazing, isn't it?

Related entries: I, II, III, IV.

It should be obvious to all I have no intention of going back permanently. Why can't they see things from my perspective? Must it come to blows? And playing the filial piety card?

Carrots for returning home

What a coincidence to see PS's entry:

...But of course I’m not bitter, not even when my dad feels like he has to entice me to get married by offering to ease off giving a portion of my salary to my parents. 50% reduction if I marry, he says, and 100% cessation if I marry a nice Chinese boy in Singapore. Kinda similar to the government’s tactics to try encourage Singaporeans to have babies, by giving them tax breaks, no?

Sweet deal, but try beating this:

"...I will GIVE you the house if you come back to work and settle down (Ed: with a nice Sg Chinese girl) in Singapore."

Note: A HOUSE (in a choice location no less), although not a detached one. :)

Haha, I can really forget about doing the stereotypical Singaporean way of proposing by asking my other half to get a HDB flat. Not that I want to (buy a HDB) anyway.

Good deal? Look at the terms first. It is really like those Sg govt. scholarships - they come with bonds.

Sigh. Or rather, bleahz.

Edit (24 Sep): jhuprincess' take on this issue.

Of helicopter parents and trophy children

Call me slow, since it is only a fortnight ago that I finally came across the terms "helicopter parents" and "trophy children". And their descriptions resonated so strongly with me. I wonder what the Singlish (or 'local') equivalents are. (I do not think it is kiasuism.)

I don't know about your families, but in mine, the parental units (with their siblings aka aunts and uncles) had a very strong influence total control over what/how we are to learn/lead our lives. From swimming to martial arts to music classes to speech and drama to private tuition to driving lessons, my cousins and I all had our timetables planned out; these "ECAs" were to complement our normal school schedules. Our academic grades/performance were always carefully vetted when the report books/exam scripts were brought home - areas which needed "improvements" were immediately zoomed in and corrective/preventive measures put in place. This can range anywhere from more private tuition to calling up the teacher(s) to demand why lousy grades were given to doing the actual artwork/drawings in order to beat the rest of your classmates. For the cases where the exam papers were not returned, you could almost always expect the matriarch to make a personal call to school to speak to the teacher.

Of course things didn't stop after JC (or high school) - decisions like the choice of degree course, which university to go to, scholarships to apply for, choice of your other half and even companies to send your resume to (after graduation) all had a heavy parental hand behind it (for approval). It is like, well, our lives had become theirs to lead.

So you know why I actually felt happy when I left Singapore's shores, and weird when I returned for the annual vacations. No one wants to grow up, but everyone needs space to grow. Now? I still get the ring from home if I had not called during the regular time slots. Always the usual: How come you didn't call? Forgot? So what have you been up to for the past x days? Thankfully they don't fly over to give me a earful. Same case for a cousin. His mum demands that he call home everyday, even if there is nothing to update them about.

While modern technology like the internet and cheap international calls has made the world smaller, it also ties us down. I hope it does not kill us. Let me soar and reach for my own skies!

Related: Overzealous parenting, Mama's boy, Old wounds

To my mum (and grannies)

This week, I would like to send flowers to a woman who matters in my life. However, I decided that it should only be one single rose but I am unable to deliver it personally. So, I asked a 'very good old friend' to do it for me.

I hope he makes you smile today as he did when your heart melted in Pretty Woman. (Yeah, I still remember that you refused to let me tag along when you went to watch with dad.) Don't worry, I will keep this from him. Hehe.

Lots of love
your son, tk

Yes, my mum digs Richard Gere.

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To my grannies, I will get for you 費玉清's DVDs. :)

Pursuing my own dreams...

I didn't mention what my dreams were in the previous post. It is to work in one of the National Labs and hopefully play a part of the 21st century equivalent of the Manhattan Project - Bionanotechnology?

I sometimes wonder if it is me wanting to hang out with a group of like minded individuals who dabble in (my related field of) science and engineering. Didn't have too pleasant memories in the secondary and JC days - if one read (and knew) too much beyond the required syllabi, he/she would get labelled as a nerd and be ridiculed. I am assuming this boils down to kiasuism; others think you (want to) know so much because of the exams.

I also thank JETRO and the old YAS program for giving me a chance to do (applied) research in Japan and Singapore, and thus deciding that those two places' work cultures don't really suit me.

With the institution I am in right now and the connections my advisor has with the folks in one of the National Labs, I think I am making good progress. Fortunately, non-US citizenship isn't an issue with most of the unclassified (i.e non-weapons) research at the post-doctoral level. :) I had already paid a high price to get to this stage though.

Of course, things could have turned out very differently. My US university applications (and the SAT I/II and TOEFL) were actually paid for by PSC (luckily these monies don't need to be repaid nor bonded).

For Basic Military Training (BMT), I was in a 'scholar' platoon (yes they really exist for guys they deemed to be potential bureaucrats), where the majority would enter OCS and many eventually became overseas scholars in the Civil Service and Statutory Boards.

Who knows. In a parallel universe I might have turned out to be a disgruntled scholar mandarin longing for the bond to end, only to see his other options fade away just as he was about to become a free man again. I should thank my parents for my independence, although ironically they would very much prefer me to be chained to the Sg govt.


Home to one of the broadest and strongest programs in science and engineering.

Living your parents' dreams

I was reading these and I do not really agree that it is the society's expectations of you. Rather, most of the time it comes from the parents. Not so much from your teachers or peers.

Sometimes I look back and wonder if what I was doing all along (prior to Grad School) is because of what my parents want me to do, and not because of what I myself want to do.

Friend: well, if that is the case, you would be in Singapore, or on some (govt) research scholarship and looking for a wife.

Me: which is NOT what I am doing now.

Friend: Exactly. You have broken free.

I remember undergrad was such a chore because of the not insignificant sum of money my folks shelled out for me for tuition. All I wanted to do then was to graduate ASAP. So there was overloading of courses during the regular semesters (I avoided taking summer terms because I didn't want to pay tuition for those) and completed everything in 5 semesters. Commencement took on a special significance as it was more for them to see their eldest child graduate from university (and be proud of it), considering that both are non-graduates, than it was for me.

While googling this: "What can you do with a chemistry degree in S'pore?" (of the previous entry), three interesting links came up. Ah, the vagaries of the internet, and google. They are about the suicide of a MP's son in Oxford (in 1993).

Actually I find Grad school so much more relaxed than undergrad. Maybe because
1. I don't need to care anymore about tuition and grades,
2. I kinda enjoy what I am doing now.
Although writing papers is still a bitch, and the social life here isn't er, that great.

From: Tan Chong Kee - view profile
Date: Mon, May 24 1993 11:30 pm
Email: Tan Chong Kee
Groups: soc.culture.singapore

I am reminded of the time I spent in Cambridge when I was the only
Singaporean freshman reading Maths for that year. Upon arrival, I met the other Singaporean mathematicians there (who all got Firsts, by the way) and was welcomed by "We are so glad you came. For a moment, we thought our Singaporean tradition was going to be broken." I did my best putting up a brave and nonchalant front. They were all very helpful and friendly and during the course of the year had helped me through quite a few impossible tutorials. You see, the pressure did not come so much
from the University or fellow Singaporeans but from oneself. You go to an institution like Oxford or Cambridge with enormous expectations heaped upon you. That year, I got
a third in the tripos and felt such a failure that the thought of killing myself did flash through my mind. NOT because fellow Singaporeans were too kiasu or because my tutor pushed me too hard, simply because I felt that if I do not excel, I am worthless.

A lot has been said of the pressure felt by the lower percentile students in our rat race society. I am not trying to trivialize the issue, but at least for them, if they do not make it, psychologically, they still have the "well, I am not good at studying" to fall back on. For someone who has straight As, not making it is humiliating. You are either a mugger (ie. in reality quite thick and hence do not
belong in this elite club) or lazy (in which case, you have to face your disappointed parents, and having one of them as a MP certainly does not help).
Perhaps we should stop making heros out of straight As students and let them know that it is OK to fail sometimes. We are all human after all, and getting firsts really isn't all that big a deal despite what it might seem then or, for some of us, even now. Our socity and family have too unforgiving an attitude towards failures and mistakes, be it academically, politically or career wise. It is counterproductive to expect yourself to be perfect, and to expect that of others is simply cruel. Such an inhuman attitude has wrought many misery and tragidies in the past. What we see now is but a more sensational incident. It is time we start facing and accepting
occasional human failure, not just in the Universities for straight As students, but across all spectrum of our lives.

As an epilogue, I have since given up trying to please my parents and am now researching Chinese Literature in Taiwan - something I have always wanted to do since secondary school. There will be those who see me as a drop out or simply wasting my 'good' education, but at least I am happy.

Perhaps sometimes, for some of us, there is a time when we have to say hack to society and just get on with our lives. Flame if you want, I only telling my story and most importantly, I am still alive.

BTW, Tan Chong Kee was the founder of Sintercom.

Edit (Mar 8) - Blogs that link here:
1. Mr Wang
2. Tomorrow (Eh, I thought I put clearly in my sidebar Tomorrow not free?)
3. gecko